1.26.2006 (6:43 PM)
Just now, I went into my brother's room to just check his things out. I was rather bored and out of curiosity, I went in and flipped through some of his stuff. But of course I tried my best not to leave any thing not in it's original position.
I was bored after checking out some of his desk's stuff and wanted to leave.. then I noticed my a red A4 red notebook by his bed. Out of curiosity again, I took it gently. There was a pen inside it, so naturally I flipped to that page where the pen is and I read the stuff. At first I thought they were notes, but it turned out it's his diary.
And I started reading. It turned out my brother doesn't have a girlfriend, has some financial problems and is unconfident over his pimple problems. I never knew my brother had such problems. He's very disciplined too. And his English is damn pro ! He writes in proper english, even in diary entries. And my brother isn't close to my dad. Last year's Chinese New Year, when Dad was at home, he felt uncomfortable and didn't dare to smile and all those. I didn't know all those. Not at all. I feel wierd, after walking into my bro's world for a while. Oh yeah, he's obsessed with biking stuff. He wants biking shoes and he feels that he's a whimsy pussy biker during his accident at Bukit Timah few years back. Oh my, I'm really really surprised. Really surprised.
1.25.2006 (6:10 PM)
I'm sure everyone has lost something before in your entire life.
Not excluding me.
Why talk about this suddenly ?
Because I lost something.
I lost my identity.
1.24.2006 (8:27 PM)
I changed my url. I don't like it when I post stuff when I'm down and people ask me about it. Then they will ask me what's wrong or advice me stuff. Then I'll try to explain my point and then I'll get very pissed.
Just now ZP asked why I didn't reply to all his tags when he tagged so much. And I said I did, in my post. "Don't tell me what "still so many things to learn and discover" shit. Because..." It's somehow replying to his tags. And he said the "shit" thing is kinda offending, like I treat all those advices like shit. It's not. It's just that.. it's different from what I think and I won't care much about it. And I felt frustrated and he too. So he said "Let's just forget that we talked about all this.." "ctrl + z". Then I thought.. if only in life, we could just ctrl + z and everything is gone. *sighs* Moodswings. But I don't like admitting that I'm fragile.. It's just sad.. sad... sad....
Tired. *Sighs*
Regarding the previous post, you may think I'm thinking of stupid things, but right now I still believe in what I said. Regarding such stuff, it's hard to change my thinking. You see, I don't see what's the point of having "life". Don't tell me what "still so many things to learn and discover" shit. Because, you're going to die without the knowledge anyway. You live for what ? For your loved ones ? But why do you live for your loved ones ? Like, they're going to die one day. Like, what I'm trying to say is humans living in the middle of nowhere on a round ball, is meaningless. So what if you're living ? So what if there's a universe ? Sometimes I imagine that all this universe thing is just God's gameboard, and we're his tokens. Like we're just in a game of God's. Urgh. Nevermind. I don't think anyone will get my point. Forget it forget it. I'll be the only follower of my philosophy.
*Sighs* School is as borring as ever. Someone please give me the motivation to excel. I've lost all of it. When you don't even have the motivation to live, don't talk about motivation towards studies. So, today slacked at 3/2 after cca. Nothing to do. Behaved liek a mad girl. Was feeling.. wierd. I don't know what's with me nowadays. Mental disorder. So anyway.. went back at 6. Went to change bloody watch's battery. That bloddy watch, use not long then batt no more and strap is going to tear soon. When going home, walked past Mac. I bought the Fan-tastic thingy. THought of trying. Regret totally man. Damn disgusting. Charge me 6.20 for a bunch of veggies and some oily rice and chicken. Damn damn damn oily. Finishing it is like hell. I'm drinking oil ! Literally. ( Later Mac go sue me [ haha like real !] ) I must drink bloody lot of water to rinse of the oil. God. And it's like $6.20 for a meal.
I can't wait for the weekends after CNY ! I need a big big rest. And I want to go shopping. I love shopping. It's when I get all my confidence and everything I want !
1.23.2006 (5:27 PM)
Someone please convince me that I'm the most fortunate and happiest girl on Earth. Don't give me the shit about African kids starving to death and me muching away on tidbits, because I think the most fortunate and happiest person on Earth is someone who truly enjoys happiness, even during diversity and there's no dark periods in his or her life because he or she injects happiness into those moments too. That's my definition of the most fortunate and happiest person on Earth.
Sometimes I wonder that if one day I slowly vanish away, no one would notice anything different, or maybe would even be happier. The only thing I know that needs me to do is to empty the water in the cup that holds the toothbrushes to prevent growth of algae. Without me, my sister would be able to enjoy her own room and my bro would be happy no one's there to mess up the house. My mum would be delighted to have no one wasting her money and my dad would be glad that no one's there to waste electricity. I'm a bad student and my grades are lousy and insignificant. So the school doesn't need me. No one is dependant on me. I don't need to support anyone's life. Don't tell me whatever shit that my friends need me and all, because they don't. It's not like without me they will die. They won't. Singapore would need me though, to not let the population go down by one, but I can jolly well give up my life to someone who needs it more than me. Seriously, if I were to be kidnapped right now, I would rather let the kidnappers kill me than to let my parents foot the ransom. It makes no difference, you see. But no, if I suddenly die one day, peopel would miss me and everything because of the sudden loss. But if I vanish slowly, it would make everyone happier. People grieve over someone's demise not because of the loss, but because it's so sudden and they cannot take it, even after years. I know people love me and all, but love is not need. *Sighs* I seem to be always contradicting myself. But I shall not from now onwards. Lieing to oneself makes that person fake and totally a hypocrite. I do not want to fake everything out. It's tiring. Is there really a reason why God created me ?
1.22.2006 (1:25 PM)
Yays. My blog is ready for Chinese New Year. Hongbaos !! :D Notice the dragon eyes shining one. Heh heh. Yahlah, I'm very cheena. Cannot arh ? I like can already. Anyway, yet to buy new clothes ! I mean haven't get new set of new clothes. Sighs. No time to buy. Maybe one day see not much homework then after school go buy. Regret that yesterday never go further in search of new clothes. Today must pia homework already. Maths common test is tomorrow and what have I done ? Nothing. Urgh. Homework is like never ending. I hate studying ! Stressing students to achieve damn good results. Schools are dumb. They teach students that it's not that it's not the results that matter but what you learn. But all they care is results only what. And apart from that they set stupid rules to protect the school'd image. We don't go to school for the sake of going to school. Yadda yadda. *Sighs* The society is so shitty.
I'm making no sense and crapping again.
Tatas.
1.21.2006 (6:20 PM)
I'm just back from shopping. And I'm going shopping later. *Sighs* Nice but tired. Monday's emaths common test !!!! OMG. Like I really won't finish the whole thing. Confirm one. My maths is the worst thing that happened to me. Urgh. I HATE COMMON TESTS !
Anyway, finally bought my shoes today. Not really shoes, sandals, or slippers. So degrading. Flip-flops. But are they called flip-flops ? Aiyah. Anything. Footwear. Finally bought a new pair. My old one is decomposing liao. Like buy from garang guni one. Yays. Bought a pink fluffy hp accessory. Very girl girl. But I like. Wanted the white one, but all very dirty. And most of all. I bought the nail sticker thing !
Xin xue lai chao, so bought a pack.
Heh. My camara is spoilt, I don't have a cable for my handphone, so how did I get a photo of my nail ? Yes, I scanned my finger. Haha. I'm so bo liao. Anyway, the flower below is pink, but not so obvious here. Nice boh ? Very aunty sia. But I think it's nice can liao. Hehs.
:D
1.20.2006 (3:41 PM)
Oh gosh. I'm tired. I want to sleep, but let me blog finish this first then I'll go sleep.
SEC THREE LEVEL CAMP '06I'm in group 12, major group C. Basically, everything is considered alright. Not super fun nor broing. It's kinda tiring but we have quite a lot of time to sleep, compared to other camps I attended, so it's ok. My group is kinda quiet and shy one. But the boys, those Akash Anan people made the group not so quiet. I was made the girls leader together with Charmaine, but I'm kinda useless, I did nothing much. Our Teacher IC was Ms Kelly Lim ! She's as fun as usual. But during the second day she went back around evening to NIE. So that Mdm Tan took over.
So first day we did rafting, team games and pitching of tents. I want to kayak !! Rafting is so not as fun as kayak. We spent alot of our time repairing the raft. Or should I say our raft floated for about a minute plus. We didn't even get to go second round. Siao. I want to canoe ! It seems fun loh ! *Sighs* Then the team games. Some were kinda lame. We did three I think. The rope and shape game. That was boring. Then the trunking. Both groups cheated. But the pther group cheated more. Then we did the ballon on stomach thing. Our group won ! We were incredible !
Then tent pitching. I was supposed to sleep with Divya Yikyie and Victoria. But in the end Divya went to sleep with the other Indian girls and Metinee and Qi'en joined us. At first our tent was at very far away. We had to brae through tons and tons of mud. Really. TONS. Yikyie got splashed like hell when we shifted our tent. So, we shifted it to somewhere after the telephone booth. Kinda hard and no mud. Not much excitement, but it's better then walking and sleeping on mud right ? So our tent was nice.
Then second day we did high and low elements. I did flying fox and broken bridge for the high elements. I hate climbing up the thing. IT'S SO SCARY !!! My breathing will become so hard I'm shocked too. The flying fox was nice. To jump down takes alot of courage. It's scary. But I did it. The broken bridge nearly freaked my soul out of my body. It's so wobbly and everything. The instructor was talking tons of pomelo nonsense to me and I merely replied no all the way because I didn't know what he was talking bout. Damn scary, but nice experience. The low elements some were darn lame. The swinging on a rope thing was ok. I nearly fell, but I got into the island afterall. Some girls didn't get. The boys were terrifik, like Tarzan. The spider web thing was funny. The strings rocked like hell but we merely begged Mdm Tan " Teacher never see arh" for everything. Then after that we started to adjust the strings to our liking. So many merely crossed over. Then the last one just went under the strings. The empty part. HAH.
Then the campfire. It was fun at first. But everyone got tired near the end. Our group's skit was hell. The rehearsals were uch better than the actual thing. It was really funny, but then it turned out.. stupid. We saw Vialu shaking his butt and everything. Aileen Leong acted stupid too, giving those stupid faces. Not funny loh. Ugly, in fact. Too bad Ms Lim didn't get to see our skit.
We had good food. Multi-racial. Chicken rice, Nasi Brani, Nasi Lemak, Fish and Chips, Mixed rice thingy and a mee tai mak thing for the breakfast today. Supper were Hotdog buns and Kaya buns. The hotdog one was so salty my blood vessels nearly burst.
We didn't get scolded alot too. Good, unlike NYAA camp. Got scolded for every single minute thing. Shitty. There we didn't need to observe tons of stupid school rules too. Shirts tucked out and completely non-school-based clothing and slippers everywhere.
For the first day, our showering time was 3 mins for a girl and 5 mins for 2 girls. Boys were 2 mins for 4 boys. Poor things. Had to wash hair outside at the hose. Lucky the toilet we went was clean, though it was far.
The first day, we went in the water. So my socks and shoes were wet. Lucky those were the old Nike shoes. Sandy too. Then we went in mud. So in the end they were muddy and sandy and wet. My socks were disgusting ! I took them out and threw it into a plastic bag. But after a day, it stinked like hell. After washing now, the dampy smell is still lingering. After this camp, I'm able to run in mud like hell. Not much problem already.
*Yawns* I'll continue tomorrow. I'm too tired. Nappy time.
afizah
class 2-3